Random Thoughts
1. LOUISIANA – Police in Louisiana are searching for a naked burglar. They say the suspect cooked himself a meal and took two showers before finally leaving. Surveillance cameras at the home caught the whole thing on tape. They say at one point the man did cover himself with a trash bag while lounging on the back porch. Police say it doesn’t appear anything was taken from the home. They think the suspect was either drunk or high on drugs.
Well I hope the Louisana police aren’t making capturing this guy their top priority. Because this has to be the most well mannered naked burglar of all time. Most naked burglars don’t have the common courtesy to wash up and end up rubbing their ass stank all over your sofa and kitchen chairs. This guy took not one but two showers. And the business of covering up his modesty with a hefty bag? Well that’s sheer class. The kind of thing you don’t normally see out of guys of this ilk. Assuming he cleaned up after himself in the kitchen, he’s like the Emily Post of nude trespassers and I can’t imagine why they’re even charging him with anything.
2. Iowa – Waterloo West High School. Signs, chants and air horns are gone from the student section. Young Wahawk fans have stopped covering their bodies in paint. In place of the noise and the displays are strict rules – they target all Waterloo schools – designed to fend off rowdy student behavior that officials say had deteriorated from entertaining to embarrassing. School officials across Iowa have drawn up similar game plans to control sideline antics… In Waterloo, the antics included chants about which schools’ students have more money or higher ACT scores. White and black face paint suggested a racial divide between East and West high schools, officials say. Some teenagers showed too much skin. “One of our main objectives is to teach kids to respect each other,” said Sharon Miller, a district spokeswoman. “The behavior of a few was getting beyond the bounds of what can be considered respectful.” Waterloo students must leave the signs and body paint at home this season. Chants that target the other team are off-limits. So is mingling with fans on the visiting team’s side. Student identification badges are a must at games. Middle school children can’t get in without parents.
As usual, Iowa finds itself on the cutting edge of social change. Thank God they’re finally getting to the root of the problems with America’s youth: School spirit. This business of supporting your school athletic programs is tearing at the very fabric of our society. We’ve got to get these kids away from the harmful effects that watching their classmates play sports can have on them. Hopefully they’ll smarten up and just ban all attendance at high school football games because it’s so bad for kids. Then we can get them back in front of their XBoxes, down at the mall food court, or concocting random, senseless thrill killings the way they were meant to. It’s a good thing Waterloo didn’t overreact or anything.
3. USA Today – Randy Moss hasn’t played in Minnesota since 2004. But the passage of time hasn’t lessened the venom Minneapolis mayor R.T. Rybak has inside him for the former Vikings receiver. In an appearance on MSNBC prior to Monday’s Packers-Vikings game, Rybak ripped Moss as a “jerk” who’s not welcome in his city anymore. From Rybak: “I think there are some times when a fit just doesn’t work with the team anymore. Like Randy Moss may be the greatest receiver anywhere around, but I don’t want that guy to ever come back into the city of Minneapolis again. He was a jerk when he was here, and, uh, Brett wasn’t a jerk when he was over there. There’s a different deal, but sometimes fits don’t work in football. So, hey, he fits beautifully here and we are happy to take him.”
Wow, the state of Minnesota really can pick ‘em, huh? The people who elected Jesse “The Body” and Al Franken, who built a joke of a stadium with a trash bag for a rightfield wall and then sold the naming rights to a dead Vice President, have now put R.T. Rybak in charge of their biggest city. So Mayor McCheese here has a hard on for Randy Moss? The Vikings are the team that banged whores on the Love Boat cruise, gave us hookers doing porno karaoke in front of holiday shoppers at the Mall of America, and introduced the world to the Original Whizzinator. But the mayor calls Randy Moss a jerk? Fine. We’ll just keep taking all your “jerks” like Moss, Big Papi, Kevin Garnett and I’m sure very soon Joe Mauer and you just keep fawning over Brett Favre until he tears the Vikings apart with his next retirement drama. And we thought Menino was bad.
4. Race fans in Australia headed towards the Bathurst 1000 – a three-day race featuring touring cars with V8 engines and set to begin this week — are going to find their plans for wild drunken rowdiness slightly hindered. That’s because, based on bad recent experiences, the police are trying to crack down on binge drinking. Assistant Police Commissioner Alan Clarke explained that ”Police respect people’s rights to enjoy the race weekend, but will promptly act when the law is broken…” If you’re attending the race the police will be insisting that you stick to no more than one case of beer a day. Wine drinkers are also expected to exercise restraint, limiting themselves to a mere 4 liters a day. There are ways around this crackdown though, for instance, if you opt for lower-alcohol beer you can bring in 36 cans instead…
Are you kidding me? What happened to the Australia I used to know? The land of the 5 gallon drum of Foster’s. Where, to quote the old Monty Python Philosophy Professor’s Sketch, “We don’t want to catch anyone not drinking.” Now they’re turning the place into Salt Lake City? It’s unthinkable. I mean, asking a crowd of Aussies to limit themselves to a case of beer a day and their wives to stick to 4 liters of wine? By God, it’s never been tried and I don’t see how it could ever work. You might as well ask them to stick with caffeine free Coke Zero. Besides, how is anyone supposed to enjoy auto racing with a blood alcohol level under .30? It’s never been tried. Not in Australia. Not in the US. Nowhere. There’s only so much of watching redneck-driven muscle cars drive counter-clockwise a sober man can take. If they tried to pull this kind of BS in America, we’d have a redneck uprising on our hands that would make the Civil War look like a bar fight. So good luck with that, Assistant Commissioner Clarke, but I’m afraid you’ve brought and end to the proud tradition of the Bathurst 1000.
5. Randolph – A man pleaded not guilty to armed assault with intent to murder after police said he shot his neighbor over a leaf-dumping dispute. Christopher Leonard was released on $20,000 bail following his arraignment in Quincy District Court. Police said the 38-year-old shot his neighbor John Rota in the stomach when they got into an argument over the disposal of leaves near their Randolph homes. Authorities said Rota was taken to Boston Medical Center and later released. Rota told police that Leonard always carried his gun, even when cutting the lawn or playing with the kids in the yard. Norfolk County District Attorney’s Office said Leonard is moving out of the Randolph home. It was unclear if Leonard had hired an attorney.
Call me a hopeless optimist, but I still believe one man can make a difference in this world. One man, willing to stand up and fight injustice can make life better for all of us, provided he has the courage to fight for what’s right. One man come in the name of love, one man he resist. Christopher Leonard is such a man. And like so many noble people of vision, he’s being persecuted for his efforts. They did it to Gallileo. They did it to Ghandi. And now they’re doing it to Leonard. All because he was willing to take a stand against the tyranny and lawlessness of douchey neighbors who dump their leaves into other people’s lawn. He had the balls other men lack, and now he’s suffering for it. Well John Rota, you messed with a guy who packs heat while he’s doing yardwork and playing with his kids, as far as I’m concerned you pulled that trigger yourself. At least now you and the rest of your ne’er-do-well, leaf-dumping buddies will think twice before you try any more of your shenanigans.
6. Peter King – In the last conversation [Pat] Tillman had with Bauer, he told his agent, “You won’t believe the letter I got from Bill Belichick.” In the letter, Belichick praised him for his courage, his leadership, his willingness to set an example for people in this materialistic society, and he said it was an honor to be in the same league he’d been in. “In the letter,” Bauer told me, “Belichick said, ‘If you ever need a job when you get out of the Army, give me a call.’ ” So what would have happened if Tillman hadn’t been killed? He’d have been 28 at the time of his scheduled discharge… I don’t know what team would have signed him. But the Patriots, even with Rodney Harrison, then 32, ensconced at strong safety, were not deep on the back end, with only one other solid NFL player, Eugene Wilson (let go two years later). After the Belichick letter, I bet Tillman would have walked to Foxboro and taken any role Belichick would have offered.
For years now I’ve stood in awe at the public’s inability or unwillingness to “get” Bill Belichick. How he still gets portrayed as this sullen little misanthrope. This power-hungry, bitter, wretch who wants to succeed in order to get back at his critics like he’s Dick Nixon or somebody. And yet barely a month goes by where we don’t hear some story like this. Some coach who says he owes everything he has to Belichick. Or the SI article about Jim Brown back in 2002 where Brown said:
"Let me tell you about someone I do admire. Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots has contributed more to the work I surround myself with than any black athlete in modern times—financially, intellectually, every way. He’s been in the prisons with me. He’s met gang members in my home; he’s met gang members in Cleveland [where Belichick coached the Browns from 1991 to '95]. He’s put up money. He’s opened up areas of education for us very quietly and very strongly."
And now we find out that Belichick, alone apparently among NFL coaches, took the time to write to Pat Tillman as he was going off to war to thank him for his sacrifice and say how much he admired him. Maybe it has to do with growing up the son of a coach at Annapolis, surrounded by selfless heroes. Or maybe it was just the decent thing to do. But I’m no longer just saying some people don’t “get” Belichick. I’m saying flat out he is THE most misunderstood figure in America today.
7. WICHITA, Kan. - A tender moment in a trash bin went all wrong for a couple who found themselves being held up at pocket knifepoint. Police said two 44-year-olds had climbed into a dumpster to be alone just after 6 p.m. Saturday when two men interrupted them and demanded their belongings. Officers said the man and woman were engaged in “an intimate moment” when they were robbed of their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet. Police said one of the robbers was a 64-year-old man who egged his 59-year-old companion on during the robbery.
Whenever I read a story about a couple getting robbed while having sex in a dumpster, I think of Albert Einstein who said “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” And it’s so true. The world, sadly, is full of people with no sense of romance. Here you’ve got a couple of young hearts in love, trying to share an intimate moment and these two petty thugs have to come along and ruin it. Look, sometimes when two people really care about each other, they need to express that love amid the rotting fruit, maggoty meat and dirty diapers. But there’ll always be people with no appreciation of the really beautiful things in this life. Those two 60 year old hooligans might have gotten away with the money and jewelry, but I think that couple are the real winners in this.
8. Inside Track — The New York Daily News is reporting that Red Sox Hall of Famer Ted Williams’ severed head was mistreated at an Arizona cryonics facility, according to details from a new book. In “Frozen,” Larry Johnson, a former executive at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz., writes that Williams’ head, which had been severed and frozen for storage, was abused at the facility. According to the report, Johnson claims Williams’ head was frozen while sitting atop a tuna fish can. Once freezing was complete, a technician took baseball-like swings at the can with a monkey wrench. Johnson writes that the technician missed the can and hit the frozen head, spraying the room with “tiny pieces of frozen head.”
This is an abomination! What kind of incompetent scumbags do these cryogenics labs hire anyway? This is Ted goddamned Williams we’re talking about here, not some ordinary cadaver-sicle. Teddy Ballgame. The Kid. The Splendid Splinter. If you’re going to have some employee swinging a wrench at his head, at least do it right out of deference to Ted. In “The Science of Hitting,” Williams explained that for the perfect swing, you’ve got to get your arms extended, keep your eyes on the target and have a slight uppercut through the hitting zone. That goes for whether you’re swinging a bat, a tennis racket, or a monkey wrench trying to knock a tuna can off the severed neck of a frozen head. Everybody knows that.
Note to self: Be nicer to your children from here on out because they’ll always get the last laugh.
9. Nydailynews — A Floridaman is facing charges after authorities say he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident’s backyard and jumped into the pool. AMartin County Sheriff’s Officereport shows 21-year-oldRobert Stark Higginswas charged with burglary to an occupied dwelling, disorderly conduct and misdemeanor theft. The resident told deputies he heard Higgins crash through the screen of his pool and take a splash Saturday night. Authorities say Higgins took a towel and fled. Deputies used a K-9 to track Higgins to a home. Higgins told deputies he had been drinking.
I love how everybody is acting like this guy is nuts and that they can’t believe this happened blah, blah, blah. I mean god forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes cause then you really might know what its like to sing the blues . Seriously have you ever been covered head to toe in feces? Because trust me you’ll want to jump into the closest pool too. So I say Free Robert Stark Higgins! Free Robert Stark Higgins! Free Robert Stark Higgins!
PS – Why do the crazies always have 3 names?
10. Bostonherald.com - The head of Harvard University’s abstinence club, reacting to the news that nearby Tufts University is curtailing dorm-room sexcapades, says it’s no laughing matter when things go bump in the night. “I’ve had several friends who’ve gone through it,” said Rachel Lynn Wagley, co-president of the True Love Revolution, a Harvard-sanctioned group devot staying hanky-panky free. Harvard’s True Love has about a dozen core members and about 200 students on its mailing list, Wagley said. While Tufts does not have an abstinence club, Wagley says her group believes there is a silent majority on American campuses that isn’t comfortable with today’s rampant sexuality, even if it’s “not cool” to say so. “I’m known on the Harvard campus as ‘that abstinence girl,’ ” the 20-year-old junior said, laughing. “People don’t want to make that their college identity.” She bemoans a youth society in which lovemaking is viewed with little more reverence than a pickup game of basketball. “It’s just so recreational and that’s just so sad. I would hope people see me as more than just a basketball,” she said.
I’m not going to lie. If I was fat, gross and couldn’t get laid I’d totally join an abstinence club. I mean at least that way you can trick yourself into thinking that you don’t have sex on purpose. It’s like telling yourself that you joined the band in high school because you like music. No you didn’t. You sucked at sports. But hey whatever let’s you sleep at night right? Regardless facts are facts. Only ugly people join abstinence clubs. They should just call them “too ugly to fuck” clubs instead. Same difference. Regardless you kind of have to appreciate this pig’s effort though. “She doesn’t want to be treated like a basketball and prudes are the silent majority in college?” Whatever honey. Keep smoking that ugly shit….
11. Telegraph - Everyone in the mountain commune in Kunming, southern China, must be under 4ft 3 ins tall and they run their own police force and fire brigade from their 120 residents. Now the group has turned itself into a tourist attraction by building mushroom houses and living and dressing like fairy tale characters. “As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people. But here there aren’t any big people and everything we do is for us,” said spokesman Fu Tien.
I have a silly question. What happens if I move to Kunming? Do I automatically become dictator? I mean like what can these little people do to stop me from just taking over their precious little city and enslaving them? Nothing right? I’ll just stomp all over their precious little police force with their toy guys and fake fire brigade. Not to mention the fact that nothing gets midget chicks going like a little full grown cock. I’m telling you this isn’t a bad idea. After all being king of Kunming is way better than shipping shirts all day long.
12. AOL – A stripper wearing nothing but a parka flashed a parking attendant because she was angry she’d just gotten a ticket, a story by the City Messenger reported. Remo Paolini was patrolling the streets near a strip club in Adelaide City in Australia when an exotic dancer came out to explain that she couldn’t get a new parking ticket because she was in the middle of a show, the story said. “And when I told her the fine was already written she was annoyed and flashed me,” he told the newspaper. “People have to realize, we’re just doing a job if it wasn’t us doing it, it would be someone else.”
Either I’m a little unclear on the concept or they do things a little different in Australia. You’re mad at a guy, so you open your coat and show him the goods? And that’s supposed to make him regret giving you a ticket? Is this some sort of reverse psychology? Because it seems pretty straightforward to me that if you want to stop someone from doing something, you don’t reward them by showing him your snooch. When a dog rolls over and you give him a treat, he’ll keep rolling over won’t he? And besides, isn’t she just cutting into her business by giving away the product? It’s like a baker getting a ticket and responding by throwing crullers and bear claws at the meter maid. I have to assume the two block radius around the strip club is going to be littered with traffic tickets. Either that or this is the ugliest stripper in Australia.
13. Bostonherald.com - Dorm rooms doubling as steamy love huts have Tufts University throwing cold water on sex on campus – at least when horny students let it all hang out in front of red-faced roommates. “You may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is present in the room,” tuts Tufts’ 2009-10 guest policy, newly revised in response to student gripes about rambunctious roomies and their raunchy romps. Tufts spokeswoman Kim Thurler told the Herald the 8,500-student school has fielded roughly a dozen complaints from chagrined scholars “who expressed concerns that they were experiencing uncomfortable situations with their roommates’ sex-tracurricular activities. But miffed collegians at the school’s Medford campus told the Herald they are quite capable of managing their own affairs, thank you very much. “If you are uncomfortable with your roommate’s activity, you should talk to them,” sophomore Christina Simonetti, 19, said.
More hard hitting journalism from the Herald huh? Nothing like a nookie story on the front page. Anyway I actually read this story at 4am last night on the shitter. Had a freaking horrible stomach ache so I brought my laptop with me to the can. Gross right? Why am I bringing this up? Because originally there was a video accompanying this story of a pretty hot chick from Tufts talking about how the administration should butt out and let her fuck when she wants to fuck. It was going to be the entire premise of this blog. Like I was coming up with great jokes and shit in my sleep. Now the video is fucking gone. Bitch must have complained or something. I mean I still see the link for the video at the bottom of the story but I can’t find it anywhere. Bullshit. It ruined everything I was planning on saying. So now I got to go with plan B.
Long story short is that 99% of the people at Tufts shouldn’t be allowed to have sex anyway because they’re gross looking. Nobody wants to see ugly people mash genitals. So if Tufts really wants to do some good they should simply say “You may not engage in sexual activity or complain about sexual activity if you are disgusting looking “ There problem solved. It’s a win, win for everybody.
PS – And people wonder why students who got to big schools like Michigan flourish in the real world and kids who go to small pussy liberal arts schools like Tufts flounder. I mean I can’t imagine in a million years somebody calling the administration to tattle that their roommate is fucking while they are in the room. It’s lunacy. You don’t like it? Put some earphones on and concentrate on playing Dungeons and Dragons loser.
14. FORT WORTH – Police in Fort Worth are searching for an exotic dancer after she apparently zapped a co-worker with a stun gun. Cops have been looking for Kathleen Bennett since Saturday night’s run-in with a waitress at a joint called the Cabaret North. Bennett was apparently fired by the club’s manager and went off on the waitress, Jennifer McReynolds. That’s when McReynolds says she was shocked by the device — in the face. She was arguing with our waitress before and we warned her about the argument, to calm down. And we were just gonna have her leave for a little bit of time. Then she would not stop, so we let her go,” club general manager David Schaffer stated. “It felt like every muscle in my body seized up and I couldn’t move. Like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak,” McReynolds recalled.
What the fuck? I thought what happened at Cabaret North stayed at Cabaret North? I mean this is the type of shit that will just tear a clubhouse apart. A strip club is like a big family. You don’t run to the media when one of your sisters tases you. I don’t care whether she tased you in the cunt. You got to handle that shit behind closed doors. Because it’s a long whore season out there. It’s hard enough to stay focused and give great lap dances without this circus atmosphere swirling around.
PS – Since when do strip clubs have cameras anyway? That’s fucking dangerous right? I mean that’s how a motherfucker ends up getting blackmailed.
15. BOSTON — Police are on the hunt for a man they say is pretending to be a Hollywood producer to get women to perform sexual favors. Police said the man finds the women on legitimate casting Web sites. Then, he sends them a phony script and a six-figure contract. Investigators said the man arranges to meet the women at a hotel in the Faneuil Hall area for an audition. He promises the women the part in the upcoming movie in exchange for sex. Another female agreed to meet the said movie producer at a downtown Boston restaurant. During the meeting, the producer convinced her to act out a seductive scene in the buildings elevator. She got the feeling something was not right and called police. “What I believe is making it believable, there’s so many movies being filmed in Boston and a lot of big actors are coming to Boston, and there’s a lot of hype in Boston, so I think that’s what’s probably giving him a legitimate appearance,” said Lt. Det. Charles Wilson, of the Boston Police Department.
I honestly don’t know who should be more embarrassed here. The chicks who fell for this stunt or the guy who pretended to be a producer? I mean come on dude. Do your fucking homework. What kind of smut publisher/Hollywood Producer meets with chicks in public restaurants and tries to get head in an elevator? Talk about fucking rookie ball huh? Everybody knows this is why God invented the casting couch. How about being a professional for once and putting up some movie posters on the wall and getting some camera equipment in a room or something? Is that too much to ask? And ladies how fucking dumb do you have to be fall for this? This would be like me telling you that you have to blow me to get on the cover of Barstool. Hey wait a minute….
16. We’re in October of 2009. The decade is rapidly coming to an end. And unfortunatly so is our decade of dominance. I mean there is no other way to look at it after the tragic events of yesterday. I mean a day like this would have been unheard of a couple years ago. Tom Brady getting outplayed by Kyle Orten? Papelbon giving up 5 runs while only getting 2 batters out and blowing the season? (I don’t count the guy he picked off as him getting an out) Bottomline is we haven’t won anything since the Celtics two years ago. Sure our teams our still competitive but it’s no longer a foregone conclusion that we’ll be having a parade at some point during the year. In other words we’ve just become like everybody else. Mortal. But in typical Boston fashion we ended the greatest run any city has every seen in the history of sports with a day so horrific that it was almost awe inspiring in a weird kind of way. Like watching a tornado tear through a small town or something. And in the end I’m not sure whether I should go into Cabo and party like crazy and remember the good times or just sit in my hotel room and cry.